Last night, I had a dream that I was greatly disappointed by PIBNV. I was with my cousin and in class I guess. Anyways, I was looking forward to seeing PIBNV after class because I knew he was going to be there. I was with a couple friends and a friend in the Army hanging out in the lounge. I called PIBNV to ask where he was because he was taking an awful long time. Suddenly I was walking with my cousin to my house, which in this dream was my old apartment. I was on the phone with PIBNV and my cousin heard my tone. I was getting angry and sad. I was beginning to cry, so she walked away. PIBNV was making fun of me and telling me how I wasn't going to see him at all. I was so angry I hung up. He didn't call back.
Not seeing him when I can is one of my biggest fears. Even the thought about it makes me sad. I know this dream means nothing because I know PIBNV will do whatever he can do to see me...
I will edit this later.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Monday, January 28, 2013
21/1/13-27/1/13
21/1/13 Last week on Monday, also known as MLK day, I had to say goodbye to my boyfriend. Well, it wasn’t really a goodbye, it was more of a see you later, but you know, whenever he leaves, I take it harshly. At the time, I didn’t know when I’d be seeing him. All I knew what that he would be able to have his phone on the weekends. He was leaving for ITB - Infantry Training Battallion, for those of you who don’t know (he’s in the Marine Corps). We heard that ITB was backed up so we had no idea when he’d be finished. He left my dorm around 10PM and I was just balling my eyes out. He got in his car and I closed the door. Once he started to back out, I just began to cry even more. I watched him drive away while trying to contain my crying since I had to go back into the building. I couldn’t talk to anyone that night. I just went straight to my room (I have my own room) and tried to cry quietly. That was hard.
22/1/13 Tuesday. PIBNV (my nickname for my boyfriend) had his flight this day. His flight was at 0832 so I had time to talk to him in the morning before my 0900 class. Sadly, he was a bit too busy with his mom crying and all to call. It was okay though, because I knew he was going to call me once he got off the flight. My class goes until 1020, but I left early. I was in no condition to stay in class. I cried when I woke up, I cried on my way to class, and I cried once I left class. When I got in my room, I cried myself to sleep. I woke up to PIBNV’s call, but it was a short call because his shuttle had arrived. Once I received his last text before he had to turn his phone in, I cried and cried again. And then I remembered I had a 4-page paper due in exactly a week. I cried myself to sleep once again and woke up around 1330 to run for some volunteer work; I don’t think I should have gone… Again, I was in no condition for it.
23/1/13 Wednesday. Oh, what a surprise. What did I do? I cried. Ha. This day, I couldn’t concentrate. I was late for a lot of things and once I saw my high school friend, I was happy. I asked her if she could take me home that night. She said she could and bring me back on Friday (I was planning to skip my Thursday class), but then I remembered I had an academic advising appointment after class. Oh joy. Once again, I cried myself to sleep.
24/1/13 Thursday. Wake up, cry just a little, and shower. Class was boring because I didn’t pay attention. I had an hour break between class and my appointment, but I had a club board meeting (I’m the public relations officer for a club). I tried not to cry during the club meeting so I tried to think of Fried Banana Ice Cream, which actually helped. After that, I went to my academic advising appointment. This one, this man, he drilled me. He didn’t yell at me, but he was asking me all these questions. Well, he didn’t have to, but I chose this road. He offered the kind hearted, short and sweet answers, but I didn’t want that. I wanted to know the truth. I got the truth. He asked me if anything was bothering me and I said yes. I couldn’t talk because tears already started rolling down from my eyes. I didn’t tell him what exactly was wrong, so I just said yes to family problems. I thought of PIBNV leaving and my mishap in the first week of the year. I thought of all the school work I didn’t want to do and I just cried. Silly me. I thought I was going to hate that adviser, but honestly I don’t. He told me what I needed to hear, and he pushed me to what I needed to do. He has actually really helped me. At the end of the quarter, I plan to go back and say thank you.
25/1/13 I felt a little better today. I had my whole schedule set on when I was going to do school work and what not. I worked in 40 hours of study, Monday through Saturday. Let’s hope I can do it. I have Chemistry with my high school friend and that day, she said she could take me home. I decided to stay. Bad choice. Anyways, I was getting ready to go to the gym and a floormate comes in to talk to one of my roommates. She said that her and her boyfriend were so sad when they saw me and PIBNV in the parking lot. They knew what we were going through because they too are a military couple. I was tying my shoes and I started tearing up, so I didn’t look up. My roommate said she was sad too, when I came back to the room. I couldn’t handle it and I didn’t want them to see me crying, so I said see ya later and headed off to the gym.
26/1/13 I woke up, not wanting to get up from my bed until I got a call from PIBNV. He texted me but wasn’t able to call until later on. I finally got my butt out of bed, but I didn’t shower. I just grabbed my things from the common room, went back into my room and attempted my paper. Most of the time, all I did was cry. I’d be in the middle of a sentence and then I just stop and cry. This time, I cried pretty loud. I didn’t mean to. If my roommates were awake, I think they heard me crying. I texted a couple of my friends to talk for a bit. They were encouraging, so that helped. Finally, PIBNV called. I was sooo happy. It was only a 6minute call though, but it still made my day. I was walking to the mail room to send some mail to PIBNV. On the way there, I decided that I wanted to go home, so I called my parents. Within an hour, I was picked up. I saw my family, my cousins, and my grandma, I felt so much better. I got a call from PIBNV again, and this time it was an hour long call, it set my mind more at ease. I explained a little to my lovely cousin of my week. Then I asked her if she could help me with my paper. It took us about 2 hours to come up with an outline for my paper. You don’t understand how much I thank her for that. Because of her, I was able to finish my paper.
27/1/13 Today, I’m feeling better. My little trip home helped a lot and PIBNV’s libo helped too. Last week was just full of crying and melt downs. But today, after I went to the gym (after I finished my paper, at 2000 -_-), I felt better. I was walking and smiling. I don’t know why, but I felt way better. I even weighed myself, but I was happy. I’m not at my pictured weight, but I’m happy. I’m happy about my classes, I’m happy about when I get to talk to PIBNV again, I’m happy I saw family. I’m looking forward to a better week. :)
Saturday, January 26, 2013
My Marine
I love you, Brian. Semper Fi.
College
So far, it's my second quarter of college. I don't know what I'm going to do. I mean, I've been in school my whole life and college was what I was looking forward to. Now I'm here, what's there to do? I've been so damn stressed and I honestly can't handle it anymore. I think after next quarter, I won't be coming back. I might just take a break from university. I'll probably go to community college and work at the same time. Plus, even though I have a junior standing, I am still undeclared and I have not idea what the hell I'm going to major in. If I don't get a major anytime soon, then I might even be able to attend this school anymore...
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